Monday, August 22, 2011

Aura

I guess I should explain something prominent in my life.  It's kind of like a monster in the closet I don't want to look at, sense, feel, touch, smell, or remember.  It's been around for years, it's not unique to me, but it's become more and more of a problem in the last five years.  It's that word that explains everything and nothing at the same time.

Headache.


When I was young, they'd go away in an hour with two ibuprofen and a glass of milk.  I got them from watching TV or when I was tired and cranky.  As  I passed through puberty, something about my headaches changed.  I developed light sensitivity.  Shortly after I entered high school, I started having sound sensitivity.  Then sitting up, lying down, or standing would cause a surge in pain.  And when I was a sophomore in high school, they stopped responding to any sort of medication.  I'd be stuck for hours, curled up in the dark, almost in tears.  Four or five hours after the headache started, it would subside and I could get on with the evening.  It wasn't always that nice, though.  After a long rehearsal for a play, I'd come home with the headache, unable to do any work, and just go to bed.  I would wake up early and scramble to half-ass my homework.

The pressure was in all different places.  Sometimes it was a crown of thorns, like a band pulling into my scalp with prongs gouging through my skull.  It was a hot spoon burning my temple.  It was a blow to the side of the head.  It was pain shooting through my neck and jaw.  It was a metal rod through my brain.

Three years ago, I noticed that my vision blurred when the pain got bad, so much so that I needed to wear reading glasses in order to see anything in close proximity.

Two years ago, the nausea began.  I had no appetite, I didn't want to eat or drink, and I learned that the nausea is caused by the headache cutting off the signal that allows the stomach and intestines to absorb nutrients.  Which was why the medication never worked.  You've got to catch it at the very start to have any chance at keeping the headache at bay.

Last year, I discovered that ice packs provide some relief when you're already down.

Eleven hours ago, I experienced my first real aura.  After an entire day of a mild headache (triggered two nights ago from getting something in my eye), I woke up this morning feeling good.  No pressure, no blurry vision, just an excessive amount of sleep. I went to visit my grandparents with my mother around 1.  While I was there, I glanced at a light on the wall and had the image of the light "burned" into my vision, so when I blinked, the silhouette of the light appeared.  But something was funny about it.  It looked like a tiny drop of water in my vision.  Surrounding it were zig-zagging yellow, pink, green, and blue lines, kind of like a VCR tape with a bad pause.  The lines were vibrating and the spot grew over the span of 10 minutes.  The direct center stayed in focus, but everything else on the outside of that spot was unfocused, humming, and uncomfortable to see.  I was struck with a subtle pinprick of pain on the left side of my head and took a tylenol, and right after I sat down it became very difficult to see.  Disoriented, I shut my eyes and saw those zig-zagging lines all around the circle of my vision.

Then came the pain.  After having a headache almost consescutively for 36 hours, I am seriously hoping that I'm headache free the rest of the week.

Here's my advice for anyone who has frequent headaches :)

  • The darkness is your friend, eliminating light, sound, smells, or any other sensations that could be unpleasant (such as hair being pulled back, wearing a bra, socks, underpants, jewelry, makeup, etc. is the best way to make yourself comfortable.
  • The first 20 minutes are crucial, if you can take an Excedrin, Tylenol, Advil, Aleve, etc. in that amount of time, you may be able to fight it off.  I do advise against the Excedrin, only because it has caffeine, and that tends to make headaches worse if you're already a caffeine consumer (such as coffee, tea, or soda), but the caffeine just gets the tylenol-type medicine through your system faster.  That's the only difference.  If you don't take something at the onset of the headache, you're going to be in pain for awhile.
  • An ice pack is a wonderful invention.  Like any other pain, it can be treated with ice.  I like to get the ice pack as close to my skin as possible (like with a thin towel or old shirt) so that the sensation of cold is stronger than the pain of the headache.  It kind of functions like Icy-Hot, the nerves in your skin pick up the sensation of cold faster than the sensation of pain, so it tricks your brain into thinking that the cold needs to be addressed before sending more pain signals.
  • Sleep it off.  If you can afford the time, hit the hay earlier than you normally would.  But wake up at a reasonable hour.  This is the only surefire way I've found to get rid of a headache.
  • This kind of comes from a summer spent battling insomnia: keep a regular schedule.  Go to bed around the same time every night, wake up around the same time every morning.  If you drink coffee, don't skip one morning--you can end up with a nasty headache from caffeine withdrawal.  Don't drink soda after 6 in the evening, that can mess up your sleep schedule as well.  
  • Try and identify what could have caused your headache.  The Android market has a good free app for keeping track of your headaches.  I've been using it since February 2011, and it's been really helpful.  The trick is remembering to use it (and when you've got a headache, looking at a screen is the last thing you want to be doing) but if you keep track for a couple of months and have something to show your doctor, it gives them a pretty good idea of what your headaches are.
I don't know if I'm going to have another aura anytime soon, but websites tell me that when you have an aura, a migraine usually follows.  I know the anxiety of going back to school is probably getting to me.  And the numerous amount of classes and assignments I'll have will send me through the roof with tension headaches.  Wish me luck, folks.

Saturday, August 13, 2011

Just a something.


There’s this
Boy
A lot of stories start with that.
However, this isn’t a story.
There’s this boy
I’m quite possibly
            Falling
For in the most terrible fashion
You see, I’m falling
            In something
With him. 
I don’t quite know what it is
I think I’ve know it
            for…three years?
When I met him, he was the star.
The man who was a d-bag character
But a caring, conscious, compassionate
            Young man.
I had my suspicions.
I was scared back then
            of everything with a penis
            and a hankering for a petite girl with nice boobs.
                        And then I went to college with him.
                        And something’s changed.
We danced together so many times
and we dance like we have the same body
and I’ve watched his moon-white skin
under lights
under costumes
And we connected.
                        It’s going to be ok
Both in and out of characters he’s said that.
He whispered it in my character’s ear
and brought so much to our moment
He’s cared for me
Watched out for me
And I used to want him.
            The feelings sort of died away when the show ended
But being away from him for several months
            And seeing him again
                        And accidentally brushing his lips against mine
                        (even if he doesn’t remember it that way)
                        While holding my hands
I don’t want to miss my chance
but I’m scared I’ll lose the friend he became
if I attach myself more.
            But it’s lingering.
I dreamed I told him how I felt
                        “that’s nice”
I dreamed we danced again
but in private
and the wanting resumed
            now my heart is aching
            for many reasons.
            One being the stupid boy who used me a year ago
            Then excommunicated me.
                        The other because I’m realizing all of this so slowly
                        And I’m afraid I’ll run out of time
                                    before I realize there’s more than just a something.

Friday, August 12, 2011

Gone

I want you gone.
You've haunted me
disturbed me
bothered me
choked me
smothered me
left me
and I want you gone.


I thought I saw you a few weeks ago
I saw your friend
and someone who
looked
like you
but wasn't.
I

br
o
ke

a little bit
and then realized
I really shouldn't give a damn about you anymore.

I dreamed
You were laying beside me, half your weight pinning me down
while a good friend told me it was a dream, and then changed into you
I wanted to run

there was nothing there.

it's been a year
and your ghost 
is still very much a ghost.
is still very much unsettling.
I want you

gone.