Just a something.

There’s this

Boy

A lot of stories start with that.

However, this isn’t a story.

There’s this boy

I’m quite possibly

            Falling

For in the most terrible fashion

You see, I’m falling

            In something

With him. 

I don’t quite know what it is
I think I’ve know it
            for…three years?

When I met him, he was the star.

The man who was a d-bag character

But a caring, conscious, compassionate

            Young man.

I had my suspicions.

I was scared back then
            of everything with a penis
            and a hankering for a petite girl with nice boobs.

                        And then I went to college with him.
                        And something’s changed.

We danced together so many times
and we dance like we have the same body
and I’ve watched his moon-white skin
under lights
under costumes

And we connected.

                        “It’s going to be ok”

Both in and out of characters he’s said that.

He whispered it in my character’s ear
and brought so much to our moment

He’s cared for me

Watched out for me

And I used to want him.

            The feelings sort of died away when the show ended

But being away from him for several months

            And seeing him again

                        And accidentally brushing his lips against mine

                        (even if he doesn’t remember it that way)

                        While holding my hands
I don’t want to miss my chance
but I’m scared I’ll lose the friend he became
if I attach myself more.

            But it’s lingering.

I dreamed I told him how I felt

                        “that’s nice”

I dreamed we danced again
but in private
and the wanting resumed
            now my heart is aching
            for many reasons.

            One being the stupid boy who used me a year ago
            Then excommunicated me.
                        The other because I’m realizing all of this so slowly

                        And I’m afraid I’ll run out of time
                                    before I realize there’s more than just a something.